side effects to stand up comedy

If your wisdom comes from stand up comics and their various avatars - you are in trouble. Its been scientifically unproven that you will suffer from a frequent wisdom over-write, a condition i would call the laughing short stock syndrome. In other words, unbeknownst to you your mind is playing a last comic standing on you. Another side effect is the frequent-use-of-borrowed-jokes-without-giving-the-proper-credit syndrome.
As of today my wisdom bank looks as follows -

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough
• Pillow fighting is about pillows fighting, and its really depressing. If those things are fighting.. what hope do we have
• When i see 2 geese fighting, I see a pillow fight ahead of time
• An empty circle is a pie chart about procrastination
• Game set match - Tennis <--> Set match run - Arson
• 15% of owners of all hummers are dildoes. Another 15% are douche bags.
• If you ever happen to come across a picture of the globe with a small dot somewhere in america, please return my potrait. I had it done from a distance.
• I think the worst time to have a heart atack is during a game of charades, especially if your team is really bad at guessing
• Vests are about protection.. bulletproof vests protect you from bullets.. sweater vests protect you from pretty girls
• Drowning is a bad experience, but it would help a little if you were a little thirsty just before that
• You can say thanks, and you can say thanks a million, but any number in between.. na na.. imagine saying - thanks a 56
• 2 steps to becoming a bouncer - become an asshole.. stand at the door
• My policy - no stones thrown regardless of housing situation(glass house or not)
• Only people in glass houses should throw stones.. provided they are trapped inside
• Glass half full - now thats an optimist.. but what if its a glass with shit in it..
• Leather jacket -- cool .. leather vest -- not so cool .. deduction - cool is about leather sleeves
• Wings are awesome.. add it to any animal to make a mythical creature - Horse -> Pegasus.. Lion -> Griffin.. Hawk -> Double Hawk.. yeahhhh
• There should be video games to take care of all the guys who get shot at in all the other video games
• So my friend who is a parent told me - watch for kids. I thought it sounded like a fair trade, especially if they are crappy kids.
• I used to compete in sports a lot, until i found out that you can buy trophies. Now i am good at everything.
• Saying "I Apologize" is the same as saying "Iam sorry" unless you are at a funeral..
• Everything is pocket sized, if your ass is big enough
• Make sure your pyjamas have pockets, if you want to avoid holding on to things while sleeping
• I think pringles intended to make tennis balls. When they received potatoes instead of rubber, they were plain lazy and went ahead and cut them up
• I think they named oranges before they named carrots
• "Sort-of" is a harmless little filler , which means nothing , unless used after -"I love you", "You are gonna live", "Its a boy" -- it means everything then

Thats all for a peek into my borrowed wisdom stack.. as it stands today

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